it feels nice to be able to walk through my feelings. blogging used to be so cathartic but I had never considered it as polished or Official as keeping a diary, of journaling my thoughts or whatever. this blog has become much more understated and superficial in a lot of ways, I’m not upset about that in and of itself, I’m understanding that I took the outlet for granted. I do feel like even the occasional journaling I do on here is a lot more cogent and helpful than it used to be. need to remember there’s a release valve over here
what i’ve been entirely too dense to realize until just this very moment is each time she’s reached out with an inside joke or a memory, it isn’t because she’s stuck in some arrested development wherein her entire personality and existence is the exact same one she had as a 20 year old. it’s because she’s been trying desperately to reach out to me in a way that she thought would actually work. I’ve been so wrapped up in calculating intentions with my big big brain that I forgot to understand that I don’t know anything about what I don’t know
do you think two people can be friends after 13 years of little to no contact? somebody who used to be a strong and important presence in my life has been reaching out here and there over the years, leaving breadcrumbs in hopes that i’ll follow them back to her. our history is storied and deep, and we’ve grown separately for so long that I’m not sure there’s anything there worth digging for. I do have a tendency toward Out of Sight, Out of Mind, I can’t deny that, and the last couple years of our friendship was not fulfilling for either of us. I feel like she’s stuck in a teenage perception of what we are and what we could be. she seems like the same person she was when we left off. but I have no way of knowing whether that’s true, because I haven’t bothered to keep the hearth going. I do feel regret about that. I don’t think i’d have done it a different way.
I am a different person than the kid she used to know. we have memories, sure, but I don’t want a friendship that’s based on memories alone. the only way to know for sure is to step out of my shame and fear and at the very least hear her out. I think I owe her that much. she drove 2 hours to come to my dad’s funeral and stayed late into the night just decompressing with my friends and me. I think that’s the last time I saw her.
if I’m being honest, the reason i’ve been so cagey about meeting up is because I have to decide how i’m going to conduct myself. there are two options: option 1 is to keep us superficial. stick to catching up, reminiscing, small talk etc. spend a neutral afternoon together and keep my guard up. option 2 is to lay it all out of the table. how she hurt me, how I didn’t tell her I was hurt, how I let it fester and metastasize while I put so much energy into laying judgement for behavior that I realized much too late can and should be attributed to extenuating circumstances. circumstances that as an emotionally intelligent adult I can understand and hold space for; circumstances that as a bratty naive kid I refused to acknowledge or understand. option 2 is the correct option and that’s what makes contact so daunting.
the undercurrent to all of this is so embarrassingly obvious that I can hardly stand to admit it: I will never know her story if I don’t let her tell it. this kills me to consider. i’ve become so efficient at shirking obligation and responsibility that I hardly even consider how my actions affect the people they’re built around. I look at this situation from above and I see two adults who finally have a chance to communicate in a clear and healthy manner. and I look at the situation from my own two eyes and I am a child.
This comment goes. Lol, no idea what this means. But fuck it, right? No? Ok. More cigs plz. But for real, this girl is awesome, so jealous of her multiple men that she’s with. I’d probably like, quit my job tbh
What
Lol. Win. This girl is the best, I’d blow all of my little cash fund to see her, but. Fuck life
ppl have been tagging me as the artist, and i dont want to take credit for someone else’s work!! emma hunsinger is an illustrator who does a lot of the New Yorker cartoons and made this comic (which was featured in the new yorker) glad to have bring some ~emotions~ to you all though :))
